Never now, p.8
Never Now, page 8
He shuts his eyes, his hand coming to his face momentarily. “It’s not that I’m dismissing them, Em. I’m sorry if that’s how it’s coming off. But I’m so fucking scared I’ve ruined everything, so in a fucked-up hope of trying to move on, I’m attempting to revert things to how they once were.”
“You dismissed me so easily, Reeve.”
“I’ve fucked up, Em. Please, I’ll do anything to fix this.”
I stay silent, knowing this can go one of two ways. I can either lose my shit on Reeve or cut him down in the only way I know how. It might be cruel now, but it will be better for us in the long run if I choose the latter.
Turning my body toward him, I face the only boy I’ve ever loved and look him directly in the eye. I ignore the warmth in my stomach that his presence brings, the comfort he gives me. I always thought it was just Ali, but now I see Reeve Sawyer has been my biggest safety net all along. And it’s time to cut the ties and save myself from the freefall.
“Our Sunday dinners have been the absolute highlight of my year, Reeve,” I begin, and the small smile, the one only a few of us are lucky enough to know, graces his lips. It’s almost enough to make me stop. Almost.
“And I’ve had an amazing year, Reeve. I met Stana. My brother and best friend fell in love. Lottie came into my life. I’ve had a lot of good things this year, but through it all, seeing your face, spending that one-on-one time with you once a month managed to creep its way through and win a spot on the frontlines. All month I would look forward to it, and it wasn’t just the cooking, it was the company. More specifically, your company.”
I pause, smiling at him, but it lacks any heart, and when his face drops, I know he sees it.
“But as quickly as I came to love those Sunday dinners with you, I came to dread the idea of being alone with you. Because after that first night together, I had given myself hope that instead of a secret once-a-month dinner, we would be having them all the time, and that finally, you would see that I’ve never viewed you as a brother like Ali and Owen, that you’ve always been so much more. So that next morning, when you rejected me, I couldn’t think of anything more painful than having to be alone with you. Do you know what it’s like to be told by the one person you want that they don’t want you? Not just once, but twice. It’s not just humiliating, I’m sure that’s a given, but it’s gut punching too. ‘Wring out your insides like a wet T-shirt’ painful.” I pause to steady my quaking voice.
“I’m not a child, Reeve. I know sometimes sex is just sex, but with us, with you, there is no way you didn’t know it would mean more to me. And I’ve got to own my part in everything too, I kept coming back for more. Maybe I could have gotten over it the first time, but after that second time, I realized either you’re an asshole who enjoys toying with my emotions for shits and giggles, or you’re too scared to admit something is happening between us. And to tell you the truth, I have no time for assholes or cowards. So I’ve made the choice to move on, without you. And in order to do that, I need you to give me the time I need to heal, and that means without you. I’m not saying it will be this way forever, but I need space and you need to give it to me.”
I let out a deep breath after finishing, my chest feeling just a bit lighter.
Reeve is pensive, his eyes swirling with something I can’t decipher.
I place my hand on top of his and give it a quick squeeze before pulling away.
“Are you ready to go?”
I turn at the voice of Noel, nodding as I grab my bag. Reeve doesn’t acknowledge either of us, his face staring straight ahead, locked onto nothingness.
Each step out of Saint Street feels as if I’m walking through drying concrete, but I push on, not letting myself look back, no matter how desperately I want to.
I spear the last slice of my steak and gobble it down, relishing the home-cooked meal. I know Noel is many things, but him being a great cook is definitely a bonus.
“Noel, this was bloody delicious,” Ali remarks, his plate bare while he tries to steal the last of Stana’s. She slaps his hand away before shoving the piece of meat into her mouth, an I-told-you-so grin overtaking her face.
“It is really good,” Stana adds in.
Noel looks to me, smiling softly, his hand finding mine under the table. I want to stab myself in the eye when I instinctively look across the table at Reeve. Yes, did I mention he’s here too?
“Great steak, mate,” Reeve says, stabbing the slice aggressively. The sides of his mouth curve while his eyes narrow. It isn’t the least bit friendly and only contributes to the fact his behavior is confusing the hell out of me. I’m supposed to let this go, let him go, but that’s proving to be the world’s biggest challenge when his words say one thing but his actions another. And I’m the fool reading into it all instead of telling him to get fucked.
Noel doesn’t respond to Reeve, only nods before redirecting his attention to the table.
“My dad’s a butcher, so if I were shit at cooking meat, I think I’d probably be tossed out of the family.”
“Did you grow up here, Noel?” Stana asks. It’s polite, it’s to make conversation, because I’m clearly not interacting enough. But doesn’t the fact that she’s making more of an effort than me say something?
It’s just with Reeve here, his dark eyes and looming presence sitting across the table, I can’t seem to focus. My body searches his out at every possible opportunity for some sort of a reaction. It’s bullshit.
Everyone begins talking, but I can’t manage to keep my focus. My fingers toy with the edge of the tablecloth on instinct, needing something to do. My eyes are trained on the flickering yellow candle in the center of the dish-cluttered table as my fingers move, scratching against the material.
Noel’s hand feels heavy on my leg, out of place almost, but I leave it there. He’s a great guy, a guy who deserves a chance without Reeve’s appearance every second. I just can’t think with him around, too many memories.
“I’m sorry Lottie and Owen couldn’t be here tonight,” Noel says from next to me, finally recapturing my attention. I think deep down, I know if I can focus more on Lottie and Owen than myself, I won’t have to do a deep psychoanalysis of why everything in my life seems so fucked up.
“Me too,” I tell him, patting his hand on my leg, just to test out how it all feels. It doesn’t feel wrong, which I should take as a good sign, but it isn’t completely natural. Yet isn’t that how it is when you start dating someone? You have to ease into things, get to know one another?
“She’s been unwell with some stomach thing the past week and Owen had work,” I tell him, hoping he knows they didn’t just ditch. Noel’s gone to a huge effort tonight and despite having known the boys for a long time, he doesn’t know us all as a group.
“Next time,” he says casually, as if there’s no doubt there will be another time.
I decide to go with his ease, accept there’s no pressure in this situation to rush into things.
“Definitely next time,” I tell him, not letting my gaze drift across the table, despite how badly Reeve’s stare is burning a hole into the side of my head.
I was seventeen the first time I saw Reeve Sawyer become serious about a girl he was dating. Seeing them together felt like the equivalent of a stomach punch. It was the first time I attempted to distance myself from the boys, from him. I invested more time into my friendship with Poppy and attempted to make more girlfriends. I even attempted to date, but keeping interest in a seventeen-year-old boy was hard when I had a twenty-one-year-old heartthrob invading my mind every other second.
“You didn’t want to come watch the show?”
I jolt on the couch, my hand clutching my chest as Reeve sits down next to me. I’d thought I was alone in the house, only the litter of our moving boxes still lingering.
“I had some last-minute stuff to pack,” I lie, avoiding his gaze. Avoiding him is all I seem to do lately.
“I thought Ali said he had packed everything up yesterday?”
I pick at my sweater, not knowing what to say.
“I know this is hard for you, Em, leaving your childhood home, but look at it as a fresh start. You can make new memories with Ali.”
“Memories without my parents,” I whisper, angry at the water filling my eyes. Angry that this mood I’m in didn’t even start about the fact that they’ve been dead over a year and we can no longer afford to keep this place. It started because Reeve Sawyer took his new girlfriend to their gig and she sat in the seat I always have, then proceeded to tell me children weren’t allowed at the venue. I wanted to rip her blonde extensions right out of her head. Instead I left, embarrassed and angry.
And I let it all simmer, bringing it to the boiling point just enough that sitting in a dark room and missing my brother’s first show this year seemed like a good idea. Now I just feel like a jackass for letting Ali down.
“You’re never going to forget your parents, Em. You’re not leaving them behind in this house, because that’s all this is, a foundation of concrete and bricks. You’ve got all you need to know and remember about them in here.”
He taps the side of my head, winking.
“And here I was thinking you were gonna say my heart,” I tease.
He nods thoughtfully. “That too.”
We sit in silence for a few more moments. “So, where is Talia?” I hate to even ask about her, but the temptation to know is just too strong.
Reeve grimaces. “Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna work out.”
I turn to him, eyebrows raised high. “What do you mean? What could have possibly happened in the two hours since I saw you guys at the gig?”
Reeve’s eyes twinkle and I realize I’ve outed myself for being at the show.
“Let’s just say she showed me her true colors and they weren’t my cup of tea.”
My chest tightens at even the slight possibility that he saw what she said to me, but this time, I let my inquisitive nature die down, opting to stay silent instead.
“So, what are we watching?”
And just like that, things between us are light again, easy.
I nod toward the TV, where a rerun of Project Runway is playing.
Reeve shakes his head but stays silent, getting comfortable on the couch next to me. I wake up the next morning tucked safely into my bed, the time I spent with Reeve now no more than a pleasant memory.
It was in those moments, those small acts of comfort my love for him grew. That’s why it was even harder for me to shut him out at Saint Street the other night, because I know him, I know who he is deep down. Reeve Sawyer is an exceptional person who one day is going to make some woman very happy. It’s now way past time I accept that person isn’t going to be me.
“I’m not exactly sure that’s how you do it.” Noel’s uneasy laughter fills my ears as I reach for the park bench to avoid wiping out on the pavement.
“I think I might be shit at this.” I sit down, not wanting to eat dirt in front of the four-year-old girl who is speeding down Hyde Park pathway, her rollerblading effortless.
“Maybe this was a bad date idea,” Noel says from next to me.
I put my arm on his, attempting to reassure him. “No, it was a great idea. I’m just shit at any form of physical activity. I have trouble balancing when my feet are on solid ground, so give me a pair of skates and it’s all over.”
He only seems partly reassured, his smile apprehensive.
“I’ve had a great time, Noel. This was exactly what I needed.” I give him my brightest smile, wanting him to see the sincerity.
“Okay, I’m glad. But next time I promise it will be a foot-on-ground activity.”
“I’d like that.”
“So, any chance you’ve got time for lunch? I know a great place around the corner.”
I don’t hesitate to say yes. I put my trainers back on while Noel packs up our stuff before we’re off. He slips his hand into my own as we stroll. It feels nice, comfortable between the two of us. We’ve been dating over a month, but it’s all still very casual. I told him in the beginning that things needed to move slowly. I doubt he expected the glacial pace I’m going at that consists of chaste kisses and hand-holding, but Noel doesn’t seem to mind.
“So, my mate’s having a birthday in two weeks. I was wondering if you wanted to come?”
I look up at him. “Sure, what day?”
He looks slightly nervous, clearly holding back.
“What?” I ask, laughter coating my voice.
“Well, the birthday is gonna be in Brighton. We’re all going to catch the train and spend the weekend there.”
Ah. So that’s why he’s nervous.
“I know we’re still fairly new, Emilia, but I really like spending time with you and I hope you feel the same.”
“I like spending time with you too, Noel. I just want to keep taking things slowly, is that okay?”
He seems momentarily deflated but still smiles. “Of course. I just want to be sure that we are going somewhere.”
I don’t know exactly how to describe it, but some feeling similar to panic slivers its way into my chest at the thought of speeding things up. The idea of ending things also makes me feel like a failure, though, as if I’m not giving Noel a fair shot.
“We are,” I say quickly. “Let me think on it and get back to you about Brighton.”
He smiles, giving my hand a squeeze. “That means a lot.”
I’m so distracted over the next few minutes, thinking about Noel, that I don’t notice the restaurant he’s decided to take me to for lunch. Antonio’s Italian. We’re already being seated and it’s far too late to tell him we should leave. Plus, I could never tell him why.
“Everything okay?” he asks, his hand covering my own on the table. I nod, taking a gulp of water to reassure him.
Seemingly convinced, he returns his attention to the menu. A menu I’m all too familiar with, as I gazed upon it every Sunday lunch when my parents would take Ali and me here for a meal. Like clockwork we sat in the back-corner table, every Sunday, all four of us, a family.
It’s been years since I’ve allowed myself to think about this place, let alone been to it. Only painful memories of what no longer is greet me here. The first time Ali tried to take me on a Sunday, I broke down on the sidewalk and after that we never came back.
I know Reeve, Ali, and Owen come here occasionally together. It doesn’t hurt Ali here; it brings him peace. I think it brings them all peace. I only wish I could say the same.
It’s been over seven years, and this shouldn’t hurt like it does, but as Noel continues to talk, I mentally check out, no longer able to listen. Visions of my mother comforting me in the bathroom over a broken heart while my brother stayed with my dad at the table, birthdays, life events, job promotions, job demotions, death of our grandmother, all celebrated or mourned here. Pivotal pieces of my journey with them happened here. So why should I enjoy it when they no longer can?
I’ve moved on from their deaths, managed to live my life, but somehow, no matter how much time passes, this place continues to be stuck in the past.
“Emilia? Emilia.” A hand shakes my side, pulling me out of memories I’m not so sure I want to relive.
I turn to the origin of the voice, shocked to see Reeve in a suit looming over our table. Noel, seemingly oblivious to the situation, smiles at his friend while I stare at Reeve, dumbstruck.
“Emilia, what are you doing here?” His voice is firm, but I hear the concern. Reeve knows I don’t come here, so I can only imagine how confusing this is for him. His office building is only a few doors down, so I expect he frequents the place I desperately need to stay away from.
“I, um, I…” I try to rattle out the words, but they won’t come.
“I took Emilia here for lunch today. I’m surprised to see you here, Sawyer. Not too many people know about this hidden gem.”
Reeve nods at Noel but doesn’t look at him, his gaze dancing over me. I blink rapidly, trying to right myself, but I can’t seem to find tranquility.
“Uh, Noel, do you mind if I have a word with Emilia in private? It will only take a moment.”
He doesn’t wait for Noel to reply before taking my arm and leading me to the bathroom. I follow him on instinct, not bothering to look back at Noel, whose face is probably laced with pure confusion.
“Emilia, why did you come here?” Reeve asks softly once we’re in the hallway together, his body so close it practically touches my own.
Dumbfounded, I try to get the words out but fail.
His hands come up to my shoulders and rub them in comfort. For once I don’t view it as a romantic act, and I lean into him.
“He wanted to surprise me with lunch. My mind wandered and I didn’t realize where we were until we were being seated. I didn’t know how to tell him,” I finally get out.
His face softens with sympathy as he looks me over. “I’m taking you home,” he states, no room for argument. My body, still on autopilot, follows him back to the table, back to Noel.
“Listen, mate, I hate to cut in on your date, but Ali called and he’s got an emergency at Saint Street, needs Em to cover for him. I’m already headed that way to meet a client, so I’m just gonna take Em here with me.”
He doesn’t ask to take me, make sure it’s okay with Noel, because we both know Noel is a good guy and would want to take me. In every other situation but this one, I would go with him. But I know myself enough to know I’m feeling extremely fragile and that being with my people right now is imperative.
“Uh, okay. Em, is everything okay?” Noel’s face fills with concern as he stands up.
“Yeah, sorry, I just have to help out Ali,” I tell him, finally finding my voice. “Raincheck?”
He nods as he steps forward, clearly wanting to hug me, but Reeve has already got my stuff, dragging me out of the restaurant. I let him hail us a taxi and we get in, then ride in silence all the way back to my flat.
